My last article for the HuffingtonPost: http://huff.to/2ogYB9J Recently, I received a comment from a follower on Facebook that says: “I can never decide what to focus on during my meditation”. I felt I needed to share with you my experience on this.
I like to practice different types of meditation (mindfulness, mantra-based, chakra meditation, loving-kindness…). Every day, I practice at least one mindfulness meditation. And then, during the day, the one I choose will depend on how I feel at that moment or what my needs are at that particular time. I just take the time to tune in before starting. Let’s say for example, I am doing some creative tasks (like writing an article) and my mind is all over the place. I will choose to center myself with a mindful breathing meditation by either focusing on my breath from the time it comes inside my nose to the time it goes out of my nose. If I feel tense around the neck area, I will focus my attention on that particular part of my body with an open, curious and compassionate mind, and then “breathe into it”. Before meeting my students, I like to do a loving-kindness meditation to radiate even more some love energy and remind me of my mission. Whatever meditation I choose, I still like to do it in a mindful way which is being aware of my thoughts, feelings, and body sensations in the present moment. For my mindfulness meditation, I bring my attention to a focal point. It can be my breath, my whole body or only a specific part of my body (like one of my hand), a music, my emotions, my thoughts, or just whatever is in the present moment. Whatever I choose to focus on, whenever I notice that my mind wanders (and of course it wanders, don’t expect it not to wanders!), I bring my attention back to my focused point. How to choose which type of meditation is right for you? I do believe that there is not one meditation that is better than another. Since we are all unique, we will resonate differently with all the types of meditation. I would suggest you to experiment for few days a particular practice, then another one (if you want to) and “see” for yourself which one fits you best. You are the only one who can know what is best for you. Once you know, stick to one, build the habit and then you may add – or not - the second type of meditation later on. How to choose what to focus on during my meditation? There are plenty of things you can focus on during your meditation. I have already shared with you some ideas above. It can also be an inspiring quote, a painting, your garden, your tea or chocolate (a square of chocolate not the whole bar :) ), any objects etc… Lastly, you can also decide not to choose to focus on something specific and just be aware of whatever arises in the present moment. It may be a thought then a sound, then your breath, then a physical sensation and so on… Just stay in the present moment. If you still struggle to find what you can focus on, ask yourself: Why is it so difficult for you to decide what to focus on during your meditation? And see what comes up… Love and Smiles, Nadege So true! It is a gift for others and for our world... so what do you do to nurture your own development? And if you don't, why not and what are you waiting for?
For me, it is crucial to always discover, explore, experiment, learn new things and grow, so that everyday I can be a better version of myself. I see it not as a chore but more as a game that I like to play with me (I'm quite playful). It is part of my "self-coaching system": Each trimester I decide what I would like to work on. I write it in my learning plan. And everytime I read an interesting article on Internet, I register it into my "learning plan" file. The stuffs I learn about are not necessarily work-related. It can be related to family, social relationships, spirituality, love life, health and so on. Defining some themes helps me to be more focused. Having some goals for each themes helps to know exactly what I am looking for as results. What about you? How do "nurture your own development"? Do you have a specific system? What are the themes you are working on right now? Please share below! 1. Mindfulness is about being present in the present moment. It may sound weird but how many times are you really in the present moment? And here I’m not only talking about your body but also about your mind. According to Matt Killingsworth, “47% percent of the time, people are thinking about something other than what they're currently doing.” Quite a lot, isn’t it? For an athlete, being in the moment – also called “being in the zone” – is crucial in terms of performance. 2. Mindfulness is about being aware of what is going on inside you and around you. Self-awareness is your ability to perceive, to feel, to notice your internal state of mind: your feelings, your thoughts, your body sensations, your mind traps, the stressors in your life and what triggers you, your energy levels during the day, your self-sabotaging patterns, your mood, your perceptions, your beliefs, your desires, your blind spots etc. I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing
By helping you to be aware of and detach yourself from your defeating thoughts, your ruminations, your fears of losing, or in other words all your distractive and energy-killing thoughts, mindfulness will help you to interrupt and release their unconscious grip on you. 3. Your self-awareness depends on your ability to pay attention. That’s why attention training is a key component in a mindfulness program. Here, it is about knowing where your attention is - and how many times we are not aware of where our attention is! -, to choose where your attention needs to be and to maintain it there. In a mindfulness program, you will train different types of attention: open/focused, narrow/wide, outer/inner etc. This is not a big surprise that the benefits of mindfulness on our attention has been scientifically proven. In a sport competition and in life, many other cognitive skills rely on your level of attention, so are your presence and alertness. While talking to someone, have you ever had the impression that the person is really not listening to you?
Listening… when we deeply think about it, this is maybe one of the most important - and at the same time - difficult skills to perform! And surprisingly, do we really learn how to deeply listen to the other person? To maintain our focus on the other person during the conversation? To really understand what the person is saying, or not saying? To grasp what the purpose of communication is? Unfortunately, I think that the emphasis is not enough on those aspects of communication, and it can lead to disastrous consequences: from simple misunderstanding to tensions, from marriage failure, weak relationship with our children, to lower productivity at work. Do you consider yourself as a good listener? Think about your last conversation with your friend, your colleague or your partner and ask yourself these questions:
With a mindfulness practice, you become able to notice these communication traps and being able to change them into healthier ones: more caring, more compassionate and more connected. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is about focusing your attention and be aware of what is happening inside you and around you in the present moment, with an attitude of non-judgement and kindness. In other words, like a scientist, you objectively observe yourself, others and the environment, without any evaluation. And, when it comes to mindful listening (and speaking), it is about bringing more awareness to your conversations. It is giving the other person the attention she deserves, releasing any judgements or preconceptions, removing all distractions that can pop up into your head, carefully choosing your words and reactions for your answer. Simply said, mindful communication is all about connection! Simply, but not easy… however here is the good news! Mindfulness is a skill, and as a skill it can be learned so you can apply it into your life! How mindfulness can help? Here are a few ways of how mindfulness can improve your listening skills: 1. Be aware of your mental chatter With mindfulness practices, you learn to pay attention to your mental chatter and to come back to the present moment every time you get caught up in your thoughts. During a conversation, I think you agree with me that this is not the right time to think about your groceries list, your next meeting or the conversation you had just before with your child, don’t you? Well, most of the time, this is what is really happening in our mind! Our body is here but our mind is… somewhere else. With a mindfulness practice, you develop this ability to pay attention to what the other person is saying, to detect more and really understand her and what her needs are, to feel how she is feeling, what she really means, but most importantly to notice the clues beyond the words (tone, body language…)! As Peter Drucker used to say, "the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said”. It can be her beliefs, her compelling desires or something that she is afraid to share or doesn’t express correctly or even something that she is not even aware of herself. 2. Be aware of your judgement and preconceptions Another core principle of mindfulness is the mindful attitudes that you need to cultivate to be able to be mindful. Non-judgement is one of the most important. When it comes to a conversation, we may not agree with the other person and we may even have our own toxic and distracting judgmental commentaries turning into our head during the conversation: “what an awful haircut!”, “she is really too possessive with her son”, “she should quit her job” or ‘she still doesn’t get it”. Mindfulness teaches you to notice and let go of these judgements, to accept the other person as she is and to listen respectfully and kindly to her. It also cultivates your beginner’s mind or your ability to approach any situations (here a conversation) with fresh eyes and no preconceptions. 3. Be aware of the other person In mindfulness, you not only learn to bring your attention on what is happening inside you but also AROUND you. In other words, you not only develop your self-awareness, you also enhance your social awareness. It is a way of being in this world where you are not only connected with yourselves but the people around you and your environment. To simplify, we could say that mindfulness can help you be more engaged in the conversation, and more generally into your life. Mindfulness has been scientifically linked to a better empathy, this ability to put yourself in others’ shoes and listening to the other person from her point of view and not yours. We all have the tendency to understand the other person through our own reality and perceptions. However, our perceptions are limited. And as St Augustine wrote: "Be kind, everyone is carrying a heavy burden." You never know what really happen behind the façade of the person, so “bringing your empathy” into the conversation will help you to understand better the other person and at the end to create a better connection. This list is not exhaustive. Maybe one last point in conclusion, not the least, would be that mindfulness is also referred to as heartfulness[1]. That means that mindfulness is being aware of your thinking but also of your feelings. It not only engage your mind, it also engages your gut, your body and your heart. There is the quote from King Solomon which said "Give me the gift of a listening heart." “A listening heart”, this is what I wish all of you! Practice: For your next conversation, ask yourself these questions:
Nadege ESTEBAN, Founder and Managing Director at Wise Mind If you are interested - for yourself or your company - by a Mindfulness programme or a workshop on “mindful communication”, please contact us at: [email protected] [1] “When you hear the word mindfulness, it is very important to understand, that in all Asian language, word for mind and for heart are the same word, so when you hear the word mindfulness, you need to hear the word heartfulness, or you misunderstand that it is only simply one cognitive exercise, and it is not.” Jon Kabat-Zinn |
AuthorHi ! I'm Nadege Esteban. As a Mindfulness Trainer and Coach, I promote mindfulness as a way of living and working… and I gave myself this personal mission: to inspire as much as possible people to give mindfulness a try and hopefully to adopt it in their daily life. Be Inspired
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