Mindful listening : 3 ways mindfulness can improve your listening skills By Nadege ESTEBAN-FRUTOS7/10/2015
While talking to someone, have you ever had the impression that the person is really not listening to you? Listening… when we deeply think about it, this is maybe one of the most important - and at the same time - difficult skills to perform! And surprisingly, do we really learn how to deeply listen to the other person? To maintain our focus on the other person during the conversation? To really understand what the person is saying, or not saying? To grasp what the purpose of communication is? Unfortunately, I think that the emphasis is not enough on those aspects of communication, and it can lead to disastrous consequences: from simple misunderstanding to tensions, from marriage failure, weak relationship with our children, to lower productivity at work. Do you consider yourself as a good listener? Think about your last conversation with your friend, your colleague or your partner and ask yourself these questions:
With a mindfulness practice, you become able to notice these communication traps and being able to change them into healthier ones: more caring, more compassionate and more connected. What is mindfulness? Mindfulness is about focusing your attention and be aware of what is happening inside you and around you in the present moment, with an attitude of non-judgement and kindness. In other words, like a scientist, you objectively observe yourself, others and the environment, without any evaluation. And, when it comes to mindful listening (and speaking), it is about bringing more awareness to your conversations. It is giving the other person the attention she deserves, releasing any judgements or preconceptions, removing all distractions that can pop up into your head, carefully choosing your words and reactions for your answer. Simply said, mindful communication is all about connection! Simply, but not easy… however here is the good news! Mindfulness is a skill, and as a skill it can be learned so you can apply it into your life! How mindfulness can help? Here are a few ways of how mindfulness can improve your listening skills: 1. Be aware of your mental chatter With mindfulness practices, you learn to pay attention to your mental chatter and to come back to the present moment every time you get caught up in your thoughts. During a conversation, I think you agree with me that this is not the right time to think about your groceries list, your next meeting or the conversation you had just before with your child, don’t you? Well, most of the time, this is what is really happening in our mind! Our body is here but our mind is… somewhere else. With a mindfulness practice, you develop this ability to pay attention to what the other person is saying, to detect more and really understand her and what her needs are, to feel how she is feeling, what she really means, but most importantly to notice the clues beyond the words (tone, body language…)! As Peter Drucker used to say, "the most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said”. It can be her beliefs, her compelling desires or something that she is afraid to share or doesn’t express correctly or even something that she is not even aware of herself. 2. Be aware of your judgement and preconceptions Another core principle of mindfulness is the mindful attitudes that you need to cultivate to be able to be mindful. Non-judgement is one of the most important. When it comes to a conversation, we may not agree with the other person and we may even have our own toxic and distracting judgmental commentaries turning into our head during the conversation: “what an awful haircut!”, “she is really too possessive with her son”, “she should quit her job” or ‘she still doesn’t get it”. Mindfulness teaches you to notice and let go of these judgements, to accept the other person as she is and to listen respectfully and kindly to her. It also cultivates your beginner’s mind or your ability to approach any situations (here a conversation) with fresh eyes and no preconceptions. 3. Be aware of the other person In mindfulness, you not only learn to bring your attention on what is happening inside you but also AROUND you. In other words, you not only develop your self-awareness, you also enhance your social awareness. It is a way of being in this world where you are not only connected with yourselves but the people around you and your environment. To simplify, we could say that mindfulness can help you be more engaged in the conversation, and more generally into your life. Mindfulness has been scientifically linked to a better empathy, this ability to put yourself in others’ shoes and listening to the other person from her point of view and not yours. We all have the tendency to understand the other person through our own reality and perceptions. However, our perceptions are limited. And as St Augustine wrote: "Be kind, everyone is carrying a heavy burden." You never know what really happen behind the façade of the person, so “bringing your empathy” into the conversation will help you to understand better the other person and at the end to create a better connection. This list is not exhaustive. Maybe one last point in conclusion, not the least, would be that mindfulness is also referred to as heartfulness[1]. That means that mindfulness is being aware of your thinking but also of your feelings. It not only engage your mind, it also engages your gut, your body and your heart. There is the quote from King Solomon which said "Give me the gift of a listening heart." “A listening heart”, this is what I wish all of you! Practice: For your next conversation, ask yourself these questions:
Photo credit : Alison Brotherton [1] “When you hear the word mindfulness, it is very important to understand, that in all Asian language word for mind and for heart are the same word, so when you hear the word mindfulness, you need to hear the word heartfulness, or you misunderstand that it is only simply one cognitive exercise, and it is not.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
By Nadege Esteban-Frutos 1. Download an app on your phone like : Headspace Calm Stop, Breathe and Think Smiling Mind 2. Download some mindfulness meditations from these trusted websites : http://www.mindfulness-solution.com/DownloadMeditations.html http://franticworld.com/free-meditations-from-mindfulness/ http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22 3. Buy a book like the one written by my mindfulness teacher : Shamash Alidina, "Mindfulness for Dummies" or the one from Mark Williams and Danny Penman : "Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World" 4. Watch these videos : "What is mindfulness" from Jon Kabat-Zinn "What is mindfulness" from Mrs Mindfulness "Meditation for beginner" from Dan Harris and Sharon Salzberg "STOP: A short mindfulness practice" from Elisha Goldstein 5. Register for a course : At Wise Mind, we offer group or one-to-one mindfulness courses. Learn more : www.getintothewisemind.com "Mindfulness is not only a nice-to-have, it is a must-have for a more serene, energetic and happy life. P.S. Sharing is caring! Forward this post to your family, friends, colleagues or clients... anyone who is looking for a smart and wise new way to live life to its potential :) Credit Photo : Pixabay
Article written for the ABWMag (Association of British Women in Malaysia Magazine) and published in their July 2015 edition. If you are looking for an idea of escape in Malaysia… why not simply pampering yourself with a mindful massage? Lucky we are to get so many accessible places and affordable choices to take care of ourselves. From the foot reflexology to the aromatherapy massage or the hot stones massage, you can easily find what you need. As, Robin Sharma, the author of “The monk who sold his Ferrari”, says, “I take a massage each week. This isn't an indulgence, it's an investment in your full creative expression, productivity, passion and sustained good health.” I agree, especially if you have been fully and mindfully immersed in the massage. We hear and read a lot about Mindfulness. More and more people – including celebrities, businessmen and athletes – have adopted it and some are even powerful and influential advocators like Richard Branson, Ariana Huffington, Oprah Winfrey, Deepak Chopra and Kobe Bryant. Mindfulness programs have been implemented in schools, universities and business schools, hospitals, prisons, sport clubs and companies such as Google, Intel, General Mill, IBM, and Apple. And we can well understand the reasons why so many people and organizations have included mindfulness in their daily routines. Mindfulness has been scientifically proven to be a safe and effective way of improving your overall health and wellbeing, reducing stress, anxiety and depression, boosting your cognitive functions like your focus, your learning abilities, your memory, your creativity, enhancing your relationships by a better management of your emotions, better listening skills and compassion. But what is exactly mindfulness? How can it help you and how is it related to massage? Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening inside you and around you, in the present moment, with some specific attitudes like: non-judgment, acceptance, curiosity, openness, and kindness. Through the regular practice of training your attention to focus on an anchor (your breath or your body for example) here and now, you will step by step be able to be in the present moment with less and less effort instead of being constantly caught in your thoughts. Mindfulness will give you the opportunity to be more aware of yourself, others and the environment around you, to be clearer and calmer, to be more creative and to master your emotions. It is not a therapy but a life skill. We all have this inner capability to be present, but in today’s environment, we are on automatic pilot, get distracted easily and are constantly connected through our devices. As a result we end up constantly pulled away from our whole selves. Fortunately, through the practice of mindfulness, you can train and cultivate your mind’s capabilities just as you can strengthen your body to make it stronger and more flexible. And for all these reasons, mindfulness should be as much part of your daily hygiene, as brushing your teeth. Mindfulness can be practised through mindfulness meditation and in whatever you do during your day, whether it is while having your shower, walking, listening to your child or a friend, before answering a rude email, eating or doing your daily yoga. Mindful massage is by far one of my favourite mindfulness practices. A mindful massage is a massage where you focus your full attention on your massage experience, fully enjoying it and trying not to get caught up by distractions or thoughts. Being in the present and really focusing on the here and now is a great way to appreciate your massage to the fullest. Trust me, you will leave feeling truly refreshed and revitalized, ready to take on all challenges! Sounds great, doesn’t it? Actually, everybody can do it and here are three ways Mindfulness can really help you to enjoy your massage: 1. Tune into your senses : Being mindful means being fully aware of what is happening to you in the present. This can be done through all your senses: · Sight: take time to really notice the room you are in – the lights, the colours, the shapes, the texture – whatever delights your eyes. · Sound: notice the sounds inside and around you, close and further away: your breath, sounds from nature, the music in the spa, the chatter of other client, or maybe the absence of specific sounds… just listen with no judgement, being open to whatever may arise. · Touch: be aware of the contact of your skin on the massage table and with the soft towel, the position and the pressure of the therapist’s hands. · Smell: take the time to pay attention to the fragrances around you: maybe there are some lightly perfumed candles or oils, some incense… just be curious about the smells around you. · Taste: Take your time when drinking your tea at the end of the massage, noticing every single ingredient and flavour. 2. Focus on your breathing : You can also use your breath as an anchor for your attention. And when thoughts arise, gently bring your attention back to your breath…. Over and over again… Like any other mindfulness practice, you will strengthen your ability (and your neural connection) related to ‘being mindful’. 3. Pay attention to your body : Another way of really appreciating your massage to the fullest is to focus on the parts of your body that are being worked on by the therapist: · Notice your sensations (relaxed or tense, hot or cold, tingly or tickly sensations, painful…) while your therapist is massaging one part of your body, · Notice the difference of sensations on one part, let’s say your foot, before and after the massage, · Notice the difference between the side that has been massaged and the side which has not been massaged yet, · Breathe into the place your massage therapist is working on. Simply bring your attention to the experience…. in the here and now … there is nowhere else to go, nothing else to do, just being there and enjoying your massage. Mindful massage is a safe, delectable and effective way to get in touch with your senses, your body and your breathing while calming your mind and body. It can also be a good start for adopting a regular mindfulness practice. However simple it may seem, it is not easy to stay present, even in one of the most pleasurable experiences. Our mind seems to be wired to think about the past or the future, even on the massage table. But remember, by practising you will receive the double benefit of a mindfulness practice and enjoying your massage even more! So consider experimenting with being focused on the present moment during your next massage and share your experience on my Facebook page “Mindfulness Inspiration”.
The Compassionate Coach: 6 Ways Mindfulness Can Help You Be More Compassionate (Part 2 of 2)19/7/2015
Article published on the Malaysian Association of Certified Coaches website in July 2015 : Link to the article : _ Link to the PDF file : _ In recent years, the science of compassion has emerged. Now, we know more about the biology and the neurosciences of compassion : when we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, our body secretes the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure are activated, which often results in our wanting to approach and care for other people. We have also discovered some of its benefits on mental and physical health to those who feel it. And even some researches have demonstrated through MRI how compassion is a skill that we can strengthen through training. There are some programs that have been launched, mainly in the United States, around compassion like the “Compassion Cultivation Training” from “The Center for Compassion, Altruism Research and Education” (CCARE) at Stanford University School of Medicine and the “Cognitively-Based Compassion Training” from Emory University. Scientists are also looking for its application to the fields of education, medicine, business and government. As written in my first article, compassion, as defined as an “emotional response of caring for and wanting to help those who are suffering (Batson, 1991), is different from empathy which is the “mirroring or understanding of another’s emotion” (Dacher Keltner, the Greater Good Science Center). So empathy relates more to the feeling part whereas compassion goes further with the desire to help and relieve the suffering of other. According to Chade-Meng Tan, compassion has 3 components: - the first one is the affective component, which can be translated by “I feel for you”, - the second one is the cognitive component which is “I understand you”, - the third one is the motivational component : “I want to help you” In Meng’s definition, empathy is an essential element of compassion and would relate to the first component of compassion. Knowing that, how practicing mindfulness will help you to bring the power of compassion into your coaching practice? Numerous researches have already demonstrated the benefits of mindfulness on cognitive functions, on well-being and on mental and physical health. It is now proven that mindfulness - the awareness that arises when you pay attention to the present moment with certain attitudes - increases empathy and compassion for others and for oneself. How?
Quickly, you will reap very useful benefits for your coaching practice… as well as for you daily life, for the people around you and more globally to our society. One study suggests compassion is contagious, so if you want to be part of a more compassionate world, just do it! Imagine how the world would be different if we all learn this skill! Bonus: Build your ‘compassion’ muscle right now by practicing these 3 activities:
References and recommended links:
Article published on the Malaysian Association of Certified Coaches (MACC) in June 2015 : Link to the article : _ Link to the PDF : _ Empathy means: "putting yourself in the other person's shoes" or "seeing things through someone else's eyes." As a coach, undoubtedly, empathy helps us to build a deep, trustful and safe connection with our coachee. By sharpening our ‘people acumen’, it also allows us to understand and be attuned to others’ feeling and thinking. “Empathy is the oil that keeps relationships running smoothly” (Bruna Martinuzzi). Yes, empathy is important in our life and in our coaching practices, but “there is a downside of empathy when it comes to the suffering of others. When we share the suffering of others too much, our negative emotions increase. It carries the danger of an emotional burnout.” (Olga Klimecki1) I can easily relate to that: I started my career as a physical education and sport teacher with special needs children. Everyday being with kids who were suffering has helped me to develop the areas in my brain related to empathy (yes it is related with your brain!). But I was so implicated physically, emotionally and mentally that it has also lead me to emotional burnout, stress and I finally changed my career plan. And, I’m not the only to be or have been trapped by too much empathy. For example, healthcare workers are also at risk to develop the same symptoms – stress, feeling overwhelmed and burn out – when facing trauma victims. And it could be the same for you as a coach… why? According to one study2, researchers found that similar areas of the brain are activated both in the person who suffers and the one who feels empathy. In other words, as an empathetic coach, we directly experience that suffering. So, if the coachee feels sad, it will trigger the ‘sadness’ neural circuitry in our brain and that will make us feel sad. If that becomes too much, we can feel overwhelmed and even trapped in that feeling. And if you are not aware of that, it can leads to mental and emotional issues, and of course, you cannot get enough clarity to help effectively the coachee. Whereas, in compassion, you also feel what the other feels but you are not overwhelmed by it because compassion doesn’t trigger the same neural connexion in your brain. Compassion triggers the positive parts of your brain and by this way helps you to cope better with the distress of others Concretely, when feeling compassion for the coachees, we understand their feelings, we do not necessarily feel their pain, but we feel concern and, fueled by a feeling of warmth and care, we are motivated to help them. This discovery has a huge implication in all the helping professions: coach, teachers, trainers, doctors, therapists etc. And the good news is: Compassion is a trainable skills! Stay tuned… In my next post, I will discuss further the ways we can develop our compassion skills! Nadege Esteban-Frutos www.getintothewisemind.com Photo credit : www.flickr.com
Change is not easy and it has a neuroscientific explanation: Our habits are all stored in our primitive brain whereas our cognitive capacities like our awareness, attention, self-regulation, decision-making, are located in the neocortex. And neuroscientists have shown that it takes longer time and more energy for the neocortex to operate compared to the limbic system. That is the reason why it takes more time and efforts to think about and do something new than react automatically out of habit or instinct. That also explains why many people find it hard to maintain commitment and at the end do not change. Through mindfulness practice, we strengthen the neural connection in the neocortex related to the attention and mindful awareness, so we become more and more aware of our mind traps, our thoughts, our fears, our emotions, our behaviours. By this way, it becomes easier to catch ourselves at the moment we are about to fall into a self-defeating habit and to choose not to relapse in it. Mindfulness gives you options. And the more this process is repeated, the more we can rewire our brain for a more skilful response which will turn to a more helpful habit. That is the reason why it takes time, practice and conscious effort to break habits and to replace them by a new one. The idea behind is also to transfer the control from the primitive brain to the pre-frontal cortex (part of the neocortex) which can analyse and critique what you are about to do. However, the pre-frontal cortex cannot function properly if under stress (real or perceived) or distracted. Here again, through the attention training that occurs during mindfulness practice, we become better at noticing our internal and external distractions and bring back our attention to where we need it to be. At the same time, numerous researches have also demonstrated the calming effect that mindfulness has on the stress response. So definitively, having a regular mindfulness practice helps your neocortex to function optimally. How to do that? One way to do that is simply by taking the time, at least 5 minutes per day, to pause, and bring your attention to your breath. And every time you notice your mind wandering, you gently bring it back to your breath, with kindness and no judgements. Final thought: Maybe one of the greatest lesson that mindfulness gives us is that we all encounter failures along the way, and it’s okay. This is part of our journey, and we need to accept them with compassion, to learn from them and to move on. If you want to give mindfulness a try (and hopefully adopt it): [email protected] Key take-away: Mindfulness is one effective way to support you in your habit change journey. It gives you awareness, options, acceptance and control over the process. And what you will find is that as you strengthen your mindfulness practice, changing habits becomes easier. Photo credit : Geralt - Pixabay
Distractions are part of the learning process in mindfulness meditation. The more you get distracted AND the more you bring back your attention to your anchor (whether it is your breathing or something else), the more you strenghten your connexion in your brain related to mindfulness.
If you are one of those who tend to do things, including walking, on automatic pilot, you may be interested by the ‘mindful walk’ which is organized on Mondays morning every 2 weeks in Bangsar… · How do you usually walk? · Are you lost in your thoughts thinking about this project you are working on or planning your day ahead or are you really paying attention to the surroundings? · Are you checking your phone or are you aware of all the richness around you? Turn your walk into a mindfulness practice! Here, it is not about staying still for 30 minutes focusing on your breath, but it is about incorporating the mindfulness meditations into your daily walk, or in other words, it is about bringing your attention to whatever is happening inside and outside us at the present moment, while walking. Like yoga or tai chi and so many other activities, you can approach your walk in a mindful way and your walk will not only be a practice that you do with your legs but with your mind and body. How will be the mindful walk done? After a short introduction of the practice, I will guide you during your walk and ask you to bring your attention on your moment to moment experience. The purpose of this activity is to walk mindfully and silently at a normal pace, just enjoying the present. Walking toward a healthier and mindful you! Why doing this activity? Well, mindful walk is a 2-in-1 activity I would say since you get the benefits from the walk itself and from the mindfulness practice as well. And both activities have scientifically proven benefits on your physical and mental health. Here are some of their benefits: Mindful walk is a good way to get your minimum daily requirement of walking (30 minutes per day), while training your brain to focus and gaining awareness. It is relaxing and invigorating at the same time! It turns your walk into an even more rewarding practice: walk mindfully and if you join the mindful walk on Monday morning, it is also a good way to meet nice people! ;) So, are you interested to give mindful walk a try? If yes, come and join me on Mondays every 2 weeks from 20th April at 8.30 am at Bangsar Sport Complex. Contact: Nadege Esteban-Frutos Certified Mindfulness Trainer and Coach [email protected] www.getintothewisemind.com 017 610 28 32
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AuthorHi ! I'm Nadege Esteban. As a Mindfulness Trainer and Coach, I promote mindfulness as a way of living and working… and I gave myself this personal mission: to inspire as much as possible people to give mindfulness a try and hopefully to adopt it in their daily life. Be Inspired
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